Cyberbullying and Digital Drama
This is part of QuaranTeens + Tweens, a series of conversations with experts and curated resources on youth cyber safety and mental wellness brought to you by Gabriel’s Light. Read on for timesaving step-by-step tips and expert insights for navigating the challenges of family quarantine.
Carol Hufford Deely of Gabriel’s Light (GL) talks Cyberbullying & Digital Drama with Liz Repking, Founder/Principal of Cyber Safety Consulting, experts on Internet Safety Curriculum for middle schools, high schools and other organizations.
GL: To start, explain the difference between digital drama and cyberbullying.
Cyber Safety Consulting: Bullying is the repeated harassment, humiliation, torment of someone else with the intent to hurt them. Key components are repeated and intent. Adding the word cyber defines that the bullying involves technology.
Digital drama is more the natural evolution of relationships. Teen & tween years can be very unpleasant because of group dynamics and drama. This drama now plays out online which ups the ante for kids.
Much of our communication should be happening through non-verbal cues, body language, tone of voice, facial expression - all of which is missing with online communication.
While teens & tweens navigate normal challenges, now factor in the difficulty and potential harm that online they can’t see and hear how their messages are being received nor reactions and the potential to escalate into cyberbullying.
GL: When working with students in schools, is this something that you role play with them?
Cyber Safety Consulting: Yes! I get kids to role play everyday life and draw them into realizing what that looks like online.
Instead of “victim” I use “bully, target and bystander” because the word victim implies that they are powerless. Instead, I want kids to know that they are never powerless and parents can reinforce this.
We then explore, “what’s my role in this?” We think of a bystander as someone who sees what’s happening. We only have to reference back to our earlier conversation about digital citizenship to know I have a responsibility to do something, a responsibility to be an upstander. Then explore “what can I do.”
The analogy is if any classmate fell in the hallway, I would help them up. Here, I see she is falling down online. I need to help her up!
Kids are all so different so they need options for responding. You could confront a bully directly, but most kids will say that they are not really comfortable standing up to that mean guy and that they’re just relieved they’re not the target.
In place of attacking the bullying back, a bystander could say something positive in the group text for the target, ‘I thought your project was pretty good.”
Or maybe I’m shy, don’t want to post in the group forum. Sending a private text message to the target is also a good option.
When you ask the target if that makes her feel better? Yea, nodding. . .so just getting them to see that even the smallest things can be helpful.
Early on kids get the message that to be a good person you have to stand up to a bully, but really there’s no one-size-fits all approach, that’s unrealistic. I work to get kids thinking about what they can do that fits within their own skillset.
Even as adults, standing up to bullies or nasty behavior isn’t what we necessarily do when we see it happening!
GL: In your opinion, which is easier - being an upstander online or in person?
Cyber Safety Consulting: Great question. Again, kids are different. For some, just shooting a message is actually a little bit easier - you don’t have to walk up to them and be all sappy if that’s not what you’re comfortable with.
GL: With Gabriel’s Light, we say you never know what someone is going through. Everyone can make a difference with one comment, something positive to someone, and that might actually make a difference in their day, week, life even. And it doesn’t cost anything - it’s free.
Cyber Safety Consulting: That’s the power of positivity and yes, that can start with one comment.
To illustrate to the class, I share a video with all these white dominoes lined up with comments like “you’re fat” or “you’re ugly” or other poor body image comments.
Cut to a tweet which reading “it starts with one comment” and a blue domino inserted which says “you are beautiful.” The blue domino falls and knocks down all the white dominoes.
To a group of third graders I wasn’t certain they would understand, but even at that age they were all like “Whoa!!”
Afterwards a little boy in the second row even raised his hand to say “It’s like one nice comment killed off all the bad comments!” Yes, so powerful.
My homework to students: make one nice comment or say hello to one classmate that is not their best friend. I explain how life-changing small acts can be especially when you get into middle school! On a Friday, you say, ‘have a nice weekend’ to someone you don’t ever talk to, but you had seen they didn’t have anyone to sit with. Maybe that you were the only person who spoke to them that week could have a deep, positive impact.
One of the most powerful upstander examples was shared with me at a conference by a California soccer player, the goalie on a team ranked second. At the end of the season the team wanted to win the state championship and made it all the way to the finals. At the end of a tight game with a 1 to 1 score, a shot trickles pass his fingers, into the goal. They lost 2 to 1. He was devastated. He felt as if he lost the game, the seniors were done for the year and that's how they finished. . .he was embarrassed in front of 200 kids from his school. He felt horrible when he left the field. And sure enough he gets home and online is lit up with comments “you suck” and “you lost the game” and “it’s your fault” and it just snowballed from there. Out of the large audience online, one senior from the school who wasn’t a friend of the goalie saw all this. Without saying anything to the goalie nor to the bullies, he found a picture of the goalie where his arms are fully extended out to make a great save and made that picture his own Instagram profile picture. That was his way of being an upstander. Amazingly over the next 24-48 hours, 50 kids made the same change to their Instagram profile picture, even though half of those kids were the ones saying “you suck” earlier. The dynamic of positivity! He says, “yes, 50 kids, that was great. . .but the first kid is who saved my life! He showed me that one person didn’t hate me - that gave me a little hope, changed my life.”
GL: With digital drama how can parents help their child address the situation?
Cyber Safety Consulting:
With drama, most importantly
Create a safe space for kids to talk, safely work through the situation.
Listen more than solve the drama.
Give options, suggest 2-3 options they have the power to choose to try.
Share stories of what happened to you, what you did, what you learned, maybe even “I wish I would have done this.” This replaces telling them what to do.
GL: What are the key suggestions for parent to help their kids avoid drama or to take steps if drama escalates?
Cyber Safety Consulting: The first action is if someone is not feeling good about what’s happening to them, get off the site, get off of group text, leave a platform, leave the gaming site. Countless times kids say, “Wow! Really?”
The parallel in the real world, last semester you and I ate lunch together everyday but this semester for the last two weeks I have been making fun of your hair, classes, shoes, whatever. Where are you going to sit tomorrow? Kids will just look at me and say “not with you…” That’s right! You’d rather sit alone than take what I’m giving you.
Same online. . .if someone is making you feel bad in a group chat – leave! They might still talk about you, you cannot control that, but the hurtful part in your face all the time is gone.
With digital drama, there are actions that turn the volume up or down. You want to get kids to see what turns the volume down, like getting off the public forum.
If you’re having a problem with someone on an Instagram comment section . . .take it offline. If possible, most effective is go face-to-face, get all those other non-verbal cues involved. At the least, go into a private chat situation, a text, message platform, without an audience.
Make sure accounts are private; avoid the audience that turns up the volume, don’t share comments or posts publicly. The smaller the group, the more control you have over the drama.
GL: When does a parent really get involved compared to just being a listener and the kid is handling it by themselves?
Cyber Safety Consulting: Any concern about physical or emotional safety, a parent gets involved. Emotional safety has different interpretations. . .the girls are not being nice to my daughter is different than my child is not eating, sleeping or doesn’t want to go to school and is exhibiting classic behavior of someone who’s being bullied.
GL: How do parents know, what are the warning signs of digital drama or cyberbullying if your child hasn’t told you? My own daughter told me she would not have told me when she was back in 7th grade.
Cyber Safety Consulting: The discussion about being an upstander is the game-changer! Start the conversation early, two-years earlier than you even think you need to, don’t wait until your kids are teenagers. We’ve got to empower kids and adults to be comfortable, to understand the power of being an upstander and to see the good in breaking the myth that “I could make it worse” or “there’s nothing I can do” or “it’s not my problem.” Or “I might make my friend mad at me.”
As soon as you allow your kids on social media, you need to be following them as well. Potentially, you can see a window, for example maybe you see your daughter posts pictures about what she eats. She puts up a picture of chocolate cake, this is my dessert tonight & there are a couple passive-aggressive comments like ”Really, you’re gonna eat that?!” or “Another piece of cake?!” You see those and then over the next couple weeks you see your daughter pushing food away. . .or running quite a bit more. Day-to-day maybe not too out of the ordinary, but then your friend says “wow, your daughter has lost a lot of weight.” and you’re thinking “really?” When you have clues, someone comments to you, that helps raise some flags and maybe you’re better able to see what’s going on especially if you’ve seen things on social media. This is another piece to the puzzle, teenagers are incredibly great at masking their emotions.
GL: As a parent, I see a responsibility to alert other parents to a difficult topic I would want to know about my children.
Cyber Safety Consulting: Yes, parents need that, too. A parent will say to me “my daughter told me this about her friend, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know that girl’s mother very well, I don’t know how to go to her.” I’ll ask, “if that were your daughter, would you want to know?”
If yes, there are methods that don’t create shame and embarrassment for parents. For most parents, a quick email is really not threatening, “hey, just wanted to let you know that my daughter was mentioning that your daughter was struggling with this…”
Even if a situation turns out to be a joke or not actually serious, the situation can be really inappropriate and you’d want to make the parent aware.
GL: Our conversation is just as much parent education as parents educating their child. Recently, I received an email from a parent about how Gabriel’s Light had opened their eyes and encouraged these parents to really check in with their kids more. We had thought our son was happy, healthy when in retrospect he wasn’t.
Cyber Safety Consulting: Yes, parents can educate kids once they themselves are educated. Really powerful conversations I think! And the message around digital drama and cyberbullying is to get parents more linked in, really critical now because of the quarantine and unrest we are experiencing! Kids are anxious and depressed just like adults right now.
GL: Because of our experience, losing our twelve-year-old son Gabriel to suicide, we feel strongly that parents need to go to great lengths to really understand how their kids are doing:
Suicide prevention knowledge - Adults need to teach youth to always take seriously any comments regarding suicide from peers and report them to an adult or to the parent.
Open conversations with other parents and a level of trust that you can share concerns with each other.
Cyber monitoring at home and school. We recommend Bark Technologies and built-in parental control on phones. Learn more here.
Treating each other with kindness, just one positive comment to someone can make a difference!
Any parent would want the opportunity to intervene and help their child if they knew they were hurting.
About Liz Repking
Liz Repking is the mother of 3 children, ranging in age from high school to college. She has spent the majority of her career working as a technical consultant, developing and delivering a variety of training for clients.
Many years ago, Liz became acutely aware of the dangers the Internet posed to children like her own. While parents recognize these dangers, they are uncomfortable and even intimidated by the depth and breadth of the technology their children use. Eight years ago, Liz created Cyber Safety Consulting with the goal of educating parents, children, and school educators on the safe, savvy, and ethical use of the digital world.
She is also the founder of the CASE program, Cyber Awareness & Safety Education, which is implemented in elementary and middle schools nationwide.
Liz has been seen on WGN News, Fox Morning Show, NBC News, The Morning Blend and has contributed to many national news outlets and articles, including the Wall Street Journal and Yahoo News.
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Please share any questions, feedback, or topics that interest you by emailing us here.
About Gabriel's Light
In 2019, Carol and Brendan Deely founded Gabriel’s Light in honor of their son who died by suicide at age 12. In honor of Gabe and all those lost to suicide, they share their journey with the hope that others may learn and grow from their tragedy. Focusing on three pillars of cyber safety, suicide prevention, and kindness campaigns, through outreach, programs, partnerships, and funding, they raise awareness and inspire youth, parents, and educators to take action and help forward their mission.
Understand cyberbullying.
According to Common Sense Media, “Cyberbullying is the use of digital-communication tools (such as the Internet and cell phones) to make another person feel angry, sad, or scared, usually again and again.” If these behaviors are intentional and recurring, you may have a case of cyberbullying on your hands.
Look for the warning signs.
If your child is evasive about their online activities, often hiding their screen from you, or otherwise acts out of the ordinary in regards to their devices, it’s possible they could be involved in cyberbullying or other unsafe activities. If you notice warning signs, it may be time to step up your monitoring of their online behavior. Barks helps with this.
Be a good role model.
Kids imitate those around them—use this to your advantage! Just as parents can for their kids in the real world, they can do the same online. Constantly reinforce concepts of empathy, resilience, and self-esteem in your own actions, both on- and offline. Keep your own posts uplifting and positive when you can, rather than posting mean-spirited or inflammatory content. Avoid bickering in comments on social media, or criticizing others. These behaviors may eventually be reflected in your own child’s online presence.
Bark is a parental control phone monitoring app to help keep kids safer online. Bark monitors social media, text, and email on Android and iOS devices. We highly recommend their services to help keep your kids safe online.
In summary, review Bark.us, start the conversation with your teens & tweens and just do your best. Your children will see you trying and that’s what’s important. There will always be grey areas in life. Boundaries and structures are important, but building safe and healthy relationships is more so. Questions? info@gabrielslight.org
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Please share any feedback or topics that interest you by emailing us here.
About Gabriel's Light
In 2019, Carol and Brendan Deely founded Gabriel’s Light in honor of their son who died by suicide at age 12. In honor of Gabe and all those lost to suicide, they share their journey with the hope that others may learn and grow from their tragedy. Focusing on three pillars of cyber safety, suicide prevention, and kindness campaigns, through outreach, programs, partnerships, and funding, they raise awareness and inspire youth, parents, and educators to take action and help forward their mission.
