Digital Citizenship - Interview with Liz Repking of Cyber Safety Consulting
This is part of QuaranTeens + Tweens, a series of conversations with experts and curated resources on youth cyber safety and mental wellness brought to you by Gabriel’s Light. Read on for timesaving step-by-step tips and expert insights for navigating the challenges of family quarantine.
Carol Hufford Deely of Gabriel’s Light (GL) talks Digital Citizenship with Liz Repking, Founder/Principal of Cyber Safety Consulting, experts on Internet Safety Curriculum for middle schools, high schools and other organizations. Liz helps parents increase their comfort and confidence in order to keep their children safe by being involved in their online life.
Talk about relevant and timely! Quarantine has our families device-dependent more than ever for learning, staying connected, entertainment, tele-health and more.
GL: What is Digital Citizenship?
Cyber Safety Consulting: Enjoy the privileges and opportunities as a member of the online community while taking responsibility online to be safe, to be appropriate, to follow the rules, to be kind to others, to respect ourselves, to respect others, and to help others.
GL: Tell us some best practices for discussing Digital Citizenship with kids.
Cyber Safety Consulting: Start by asking if they’ve heard of Digital Citizenship, then break down the words individually. First ask, what does “digital” mean and get to identifying words “technology” and “online.”
Then ask what it means to be a “citizen.” Repeatedly kids quickly give the response, “to be a member of a community”. Walk through ideas and real world analogies - they can be a member of the United States, the state of Illinois, the city of Chicago, their school. This makes the word tangible. Touch, feel and relate to the physical world before jumping to the abstract world of technology.
Talk about being part of the community allows you opportunity. For example, in school the opportunity to learn, to be with your friends, to go on field trips, to get free lunch. . . go through a whole list of opportunities.
Ask what your responsibilities are with these opportunities? Follow the rules at school, to be safe…usually kids quickly go to the social-emotional to be kind, to respect others, to respect themselves. Ask what do you do if walking down the hall the person you’re with fell down? Oh, I’d help them up! Oh, is that a rule? “no, but it’s your responsibility as a good citizen of your school to help others.”
Now pull “digital” into the conversation to define what community you’re a member of, the online community. Help them recognize their community membership by walking through what they do online. Ask if they have joined social media, played games online, or watched YouTube. Explain that makes you a digital citizen. You have the benefits and the opportunities that the digital connection provides you - connect with people, enjoy entertainment, play games, information at your fingertips. With opportunity comes? Responsibility. The same responsibilities as a citizen physically in your school are the exact same responsibilities you have online.
GL: During your presentations at schools and with parents, you recommend a digital agreement to establish good standards of digital behavior. Thanks for making a downloadable file available here for the Gabriel’s Light audience. What are some of the important things elements that agreement should include - what to say and not to say?
Cyber Safety Consulting: I’m a proponent of Parent/Child Digital “Agreements" to create open conversation and promote respect as opposed to using the word “contract” that connotes more one-way authority.
The purpose of a Parent/Child Digital Agreement is to ensure parents and children know the expectations. The agreement serves as the guide weeks or months later. Consider this objection, “no, mom, that’s not what you said!” You can both respond with let’s see what we agreed to and expectations we defined together.
Opening up the conversation is a benefit of a putting a Digital Agreement in place. You hand a child a document, saying “hey, take a look at this, let me know your thoughts.” You’ve already done the work putting on paper and not making them feel defensive and threatened about the uses. A difficult conversation is much easier for a child if they have a piece of paper to look at, right? So they read through and that line of communication opens.
The other real power of the Digital Agreement conversation is the respect and safe environment created for kids when they feel they have a voice in the conversation:
With your page in hand your child says,
“Mom, you’re saying I have to turn off my phone at 8pm. How about 9 o’clock?”
Naturally, “why do you want 9 o’clock?” would be your next question.
“Well, because I like to do x-y-z.” is the response.
“Okay I can agree to 9 o’clock.”
You can see the respect here, kids feel like “I have a voice in this, I am heard.” This doesn’t happen as easily as when the conversation happens on the fly.
What details does a Digital Agreement include? In the downloadable Digital Agreement template you can edit to your needs before talking through with your child. The Agreement includes elements we don’t always consider. The basics include rules and time allowed; what apps allowed, at what age, what times; how much screen time.
The agreement goes on to raise awareness and give kids tools to handle new situations. What happens if you feel unsafe when you’re online, come to me. What happens if you get an unknown attachment from someone you don’t know? Don’t open that. On paper, kids can look at the details and ask, “what do you mean by this?” There’s a conversation to have, “If someone you don’t know sends an email saying ‘click here’, don’t do that, just like you wouldn’t get in a car with a stranger. That attachment/link could be a computer virus or land you on a site you don’t want to be on.”
This is a safer way to have these types of discussions. Without the agreement conversation, if you asked kids, the likely response: “I would never click on something that I don’t know what it is!” There are a thousand different questions you can answer with the the agreement template. What isn’t in the template are time limits, shut down, start up times, nor any specific numbers. Those are for parents to consider and add in.
GL: Does a Digital Agreement include what happens if rules aren’t followed? In the past, agreements I’ve used name 1st strike is this, 2nd strike is that and so forth, so the consequences were really clear.
Cyber Safety Consulting: Consequences are a good practice, for parents to add and consider within the realm of their parenting style and their family values. The agreement is a tool for the parents to use as support both for the rules and for enforcing consequences.
GL: What about the idea of a summer agreement to address seasonal parameters or weekends vs. weekdays?
Cyber Safety Consulting: A fun approach could be if you have a middle schooler, let them write the agreement! See what they come up with!
GL: That approach sounds like some schools enabling junior high students to run the parent/teacher conference.
Cyber Safety Consulting: Once teaching at a school in New York the students were shaking when I gave them an agreement to take home. The next day over 50% of agreements came back. Students said “that wasn’t so bad! That was good!” Some students said, “well, my parents just signed it” but lots of others added “well, we ended up talking about it for a half hour” - which is one of the main purposes of the agreement.
GL: Let’s talk about the importance of parents following good digital citizenship themselves - acting as role models, visible technology usage at home, how they’re acting online, how their online content reads.
Cyber Safety Consulting: Adults being role models is the greatest teaching tool. The non-verbal what you see is what I say. Nothing is worse than ‘do as I say, but ignore what I do.’
Consider texting and teenagers. You tell your 15-year-old starting to drive, “don’t text while you drive.” Yet they have watched me text and drive for the last 10 years. So, now they’re like “Well, whatever” to what you say because they’ve seen what you do. The important of parents as good digital citizens starts very early.
Also consider technology and attention. Important for parents to model the behavior of putting down the phone, tablet, laptop when talking to kids. Show respect by letting your child know they have your full attention. As parents we expect our kid’s attention. “Look I’m talking to you, put your phone down.” The child’s response is, “You don’t put your phone down when I talk to you!” If the rules are developed to promote positive digital citizenship for their children, we should following them, too!
Good digital citizenship rules apply to parents as to the children. Model the behaviors that you expect from your child. Role modeling is the most powerful teaching tool we have. Limits are different than rules. Some time limits don’t necessarily apply for parents, like for a 10-year-old you can only be online for 30 minutes a day, that’s not necessarily a rule that I need to follow as a parent. Limits are in place to keep our kids safe.
GL: When do these conversations need to start - with the first device a child gets?
Cyber Safety Consulting: No, conversation begins well before devices.
Consider this analogy. Do you start talking to your kids about stranger-danger when they start going outside on their own? No way, talking about how to be safe outside starts when kids are 2- or 3-years old, an age well before they are walking to the park by themselves Over time we see ways to build into the conversation. Same approach for digital citizenship. Kids pick up the messages, verbal and non-verbal along the way. Our 2-year olds watch videos on our smartphone and 3- and 4-year olds are playing games with devices. While not the most pleasant, make time to talk about dangers we face and how to be safe.
GL: Are digital citizen conversations easier if we start early and build into family conversations?
Cyber Safety Consulting: Right - make the conversation part of the dialogue!
About Liz Repking
Liz Repking is the mother of 3 children, ranging in age from high school to college. She has spent the majority of her career working as a technical consultant, developing and delivering a variety of training for clients.
Many years ago, Liz became acutely aware of the dangers the Internet posed to children like her own. While parents recognize these dangers, they are uncomfortable and even intimidated by the depth and breadth of the technology their children use. Eight years ago, Liz created Cyber Safety Consulting with the goal of educating parents, children, and school educators on the safe, savvy, and ethical use of the digital world.
She is also the founder of the CASE program, Cyber Awareness & Safety Education, which is implemented in elementary and middle schools nationwide.
Liz has been seen on WGN News, Fox Morning Show, NBC News, The Morning Blend and has contributed to many national news outlets and articles, including the Wall Street Journal and Yahoo News.
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Please share any questions, feedback, or topics that interest you by emailing us here.
About Gabriel's Light
In 2019, Carol and Brendan Deely founded Gabriel’s Light in honor of their son who died by suicide at age 12. In honor of Gabe and all those lost to suicide, they share their journey with the hope that others may learn and grow from their tragedy. Focusing on three pillars of cyber safety, suicide prevention, and kindness campaigns, through outreach, programs, partnerships, and funding, they raise awareness and inspire youth, parents, and educators to take action and help forward their mission.
Understand cyberbullying.
According to Common Sense Media, “Cyberbullying is the use of digital-communication tools (such as the Internet and cell phones) to make another person feel angry, sad, or scared, usually again and again.” If these behaviors are intentional and recurring, you may have a case of cyberbullying on your hands.
Look for the warning signs.
If your child is evasive about their online activities, often hiding their screen from you, or otherwise acts out of the ordinary in regards to their devices, it’s possible they could be involved in cyberbullying or other unsafe activities. If you notice warning signs, it may be time to step up your monitoring of their online behavior. Barks helps with this.
Be a good role model.
Kids imitate those around them—use this to your advantage! Just as parents can for their kids in the real world, they can do the same online. Constantly reinforce concepts of empathy, resilience, and self-esteem in your own actions, both on- and offline. Keep your own posts uplifting and positive when you can, rather than posting mean-spirited or inflammatory content. Avoid bickering in comments on social media, or criticizing others. These behaviors may eventually be reflected in your own child’s online presence.
Bark is a parental control phone monitoring app to help keep kids safer online. Bark monitors social media, text, and email on Android and iOS devices. We highly recommend their services to help keep your kids safe online.
In summary, review Bark.us, start the conversation with your teens & tweens and just do your best. Your children will see you trying and that’s what’s important. There will always be grey areas in life. Boundaries and structures are important, but building safe and healthy relationships is more so. Questions? info@gabrielslight.org
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Please share any feedback or topics that interest you by emailing us here.
About Gabriel's Light
In 2019, Carol and Brendan Deely founded Gabriel’s Light in honor of their son who died by suicide at age 12. In honor of Gabe and all those lost to suicide, they share their journey with the hope that others may learn and grow from their tragedy. Focusing on three pillars of cyber safety, suicide prevention, and kindness campaigns, through outreach, programs, partnerships, and funding, they raise awareness and inspire youth, parents, and educators to take action and help forward their mission.
